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2003 chevy trailblazer_lt
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A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: "Dig!"

He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations", he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: "I said, dig!"

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: "Open!"

Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: "To the casino!"

Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: "Roulette!"

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: "27!"

He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26. The deep voice says: "Sh**!"
 

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2005 chevy trailblazer_ls
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes
Home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes
Home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is
asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I
swished And swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Of course the best thing is have a
husband that doesn't drink.
 

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2006 chevy trailblazer_ls
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4,009 Posts
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a rotting peach.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A- flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge you're in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.



Chris
 

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2005 chevy trailblazer_lt_ext
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3,572 Posts
Hey I figured out how to stop the oil leak in the gulf!!!

 
Put a wedding ring over it! Then it will stop putting out!:dielaugh:
 

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2003 chevy trailblazer_lt
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6,568 Posts
A government social worker was visiting the Indian reservation for the first time.

Over by the store, a woman was yelling up a blue streak at an old Indian man. The man looked like he could use some help. The social worker walked over and broke up the disturbance by pulling the man aside.

"Hey, that lady sure has your number."

"She no lady. She my wife."

"You don't say. What's her name?"

"Wife name 'Three Horse'."

The social worker smiled. "Now that's a strange name. Three Horse. Yep, that sure is a strange name. How did she get a name like that?"

"Nag nag nag."


----------------------------



Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around at Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.
 

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Sam and Sally Clam live at the bottom of the sea and they are wild for dancing and go every night to Sam's dance club. Well, life is good until one day, poor Sally buys the farm and floats up to heaven.

At orientation, St. Peter tells her all the rules, hands her a harp that she has to keep with her at all times, and tells her to have a good time. It's okay for a while, but as with ALL dancers, even dead clam dancers, she misses her former life and all the fun times out on the floor with her partner, Sam.

After much moping around, Sally finally gets permission to go back to earth for ONE day, but she has to be back in heaven by the last stroke of midnight. So, she's off! She finds Sam and they're having a great time - double spins, reverse London Bridge, slithers up and down - until BONG! BONG - it's midnight!

Sally races back up to heaven, where she is greeted by St. Peter who has a TERRIBLE look on his face!

"WHERE IS YOUR HARP?"

"OH NO! I LEFT MY HARP IN SAM CLAM'S DISCO!"
 

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2002 gmc envoy_sle
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142 Posts
Job Opening

An unemployed auto worker went to the Job Center in Downtown Detroit
and saw a posting advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested,
he asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies
ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their
underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then
apply shaving foam and gently shave off the area, and then rub in soothing
moisturizers so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Toledo, Ohio."

"Good grief... is that where the job is?"

"No sir... that's where the end of the line is right now."
 

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Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)...

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor: Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation: Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from GPS. FAC gives steer to target. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (inc. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous claim for travel pay settlement upon return.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad extremist snakes.

Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

Supply: (NOTICE Your anti-snake equipment is backordered.)

Transport pilot: Air-drops expired snakebite kits two grid squares away on roof of children's hospital.

F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft fuselage.

F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, misses snake target, demolishes embassy 4 km east of snake due to weather. Cites inclement weather (Too Hot, Too Cold, Clear but overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Suggests procurement of million-dollar, air-to-ground anti-snake bomb.

AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, cold-blooded snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AOs without power lines or SAMs.

UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use weapons.

Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
 

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2002 gmc envoy_sle
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142 Posts
Medical distinction between Guts and Balls:

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the GUTS to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the BALLS to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Either one will result in death.
 

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2003 chevy trailblazer_lt
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6,568 Posts
So when I get a phone call at the airport, I'll admit it, I like to have a little fun.

'Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry.
'Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here.'
'Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!'
'Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let's move.'
'Stand down, down blue team! Don't -- hold on, the subject's approaching. He's in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.'

And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, 'Thank you for making our airways safe.' And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.
 

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2002 gmc envoy_sle
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142 Posts
So, I lost the trivia contest last night by 1 point.

The last question was "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

.......apparently the correct answer is Fiji. Who knew?!
 

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2003 chevy trailblazer_lt
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6,568 Posts
Think of this guy the next time you think you are having a bad day!

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline,
who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say,
she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had
bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work,
so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's
not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with
a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the
bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm
is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This
$20,000 piece of **** sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a
garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn
good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do,
when I get to the bottom and start working is, I take the hose and stuff
it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm
water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from
my
back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
suit.

Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I
scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5
other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted
the dive.

I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber
dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing
but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub
it on my ass as soon as I get in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't **** for 2 days because my
******* was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass!

Tight lines and calm seas,
Richard
 

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2005 chevy trailblazer_lt_ext
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3,572 Posts
Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and

decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,

'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer.

'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.

Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,

one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.

And sometimes the living room floor is fun.

You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor ?

No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.

But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.

I'd love to be In and out in five minutes,

but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park

to get the job done right.

People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment,

I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready,

I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.

It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
 

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2002 chevy trailblazer_ltz
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790 Posts
Holy Prostitutes!

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past
a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to
the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business.....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

:laugh:
 
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