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Discussion Starter #1
I always enjoy a good chuckle, so if you get a good joke, feel free to post it up.

So without further ado....


The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough , however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh" it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man say they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 - year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jello.

15. VCR's do no eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonder. First grade... true story:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said.. Holy Sh*t!! A talking pig!"
 

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Blulytes said:
"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said.. Holy Sh*t!! A talking pig!"
LMAO!!!! :laugh: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :laugh:
 

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Discussion Starter #4
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign .."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving snot out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
 

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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. There was one I would really like to have."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price make sure you get all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this 'cell phone' belongs to?"

:D
 

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An office manager was given the task of hiring an
individual to
fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found
four
people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them
only
one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the
job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging MAN #1, the man replied, "A
THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's
on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked MAN#2. "Hmm.... let me
see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever
happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliche for speed."
He then turned to MAN#3 who was contemplating his
reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the
wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across
the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A
LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and
thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light"
he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the
interviewer posed the same question.
MAN#3 replied, " After hearing the 3 previous answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is Diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"O I can explain ." said MAN #4. " YOU SEE , the other
day I wasn't feeling so good and I run soo fast to the toilet but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE
LIGHT, I already had a poo-poo in my
pants.

:rotfl:
 

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Discussion Starter #11
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.


"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten 100 dollar
bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the
man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.

Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too
expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that
he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and
they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.

"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she
asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 

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Discussion Starter #12
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you woulddig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie
 

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Blind man and Lesbian

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls silent. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...

"One: the bartender is a blonde woman,

"two: the bouncer is a blonde woman,

"three: the woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer,

"four: the lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler,

"five: I'm a six foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate. and a very bad attitude.

"Now, think about it seriously, mister, do you still want to tell that dumb blonde joke?"

The blind man thinks for a few seconds, shakes his head and says, "Naahh. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 

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Discussion Starter #16
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks she would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks,

"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment:
"Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong!!!”
 

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Ok i got a few...:D


A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.

He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.

The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"


AND




A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.

He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

It all happened in an instant.

The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"



AND



A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bi**h tonight, Dave."
 

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Discussion Starter #19
A trainning session for investigation was held in Virginia for various agencies and at the end an exercise was held. A white bunny was released into the wild and two representatives from different agencies
were sent in to apprehend it. Two personnel from the CIA went after their bunny and returned in ten minutes. Then two representatives from the FBI went into the woods and returned an hour later with their bunny. Then two Bronx homicide detectives were sent into the woods to apprehend their bunny and the hours went by......finally 5 hours later the two Bronx homicide detectives reappear. One is dragging a bear by the scruff of his neck and the other detective is kicking the bear in the balls and the bear is yelling "O.K.....I'm a bunny, I'm a bunny".
 

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Blulytes said:
A trainning session for investigation was held in Virginia for various agencies and at the end an exercise was held. A white bunny was released into the wild and two representatives from different agencies
were sent in to apprehend it. Two personnel from the CIA went after their bunny and returned in ten minutes. Then two representatives from the FBI went into the woods and returned an hour later with their bunny. Then two Bronx homicide detectives were sent into the woods to apprehend their bunny and the hours went by......finally 5 hours later the two Bronx homicide detectives reappear. One is dragging a bear by the scruff of his neck and the other detective is kicking the bear in the balls and the bear is yelling "O.K.....I'm a bunny, I'm a bunny".

Lmao... :rotfl: In real life we use a phonebook :laugh:
 
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